Authentic Light

Authentic Light

Over a year has passed since my beautiful husband has died.  I am so shocked at the passage of time. I know that my grief is here to remain, and so is my love.  I have found the best way for me to personally deal with this loss, is to be real, open, and authentic about it.  It has been crucial and healthy for me to be this way.

Since Wayne's death, I have found that butterflies seem to cross my path, but even more so, has been the light that seems to find me.  There have now been countless times that the sun breaks through the clouds when I am at the cemetery or when I step outside, and I can literally feel the intensity of the light pulse upon me ... even on the coldest of days.  My son and I have seen storms pass over our house, and the sun breaks through the clouds onto our home.  I often take photographs in these moments, pray voiceless words of love and longing, remember, and exhale a gentle breath.  My camera cannot truly capture the true and full beauty, and intensity, of what I see and feel.

Someone commented to me about how authentic I have been since Wayne died.  I often reflect about my life since Wayne died, and how I feel like I have lost my sense of self.  When I married Wayne we became one, so losing Wayne was losing half of me.  And, what was left?  I didn't feel like the real me.

Perhaps authenticity is the part of me, the one that is not trying to find the "real me", but one that can be real in the moment.  By allowing myself to be shaped into who I am to be in moving in this life, even if it is done imperfectly so.  By being authentic in the situation, I can hope to bring to light the path that I may travel.

I have been known to be a people pleaser, wanting to know exactly what I need to do or say in every little detail, but I have found a different voice at times during this journey.  A voice that can write down the words to what I am feeling, bringing my grief, memories, and reflections to the surface.  By giving myself permission to say "no" to things because "no" is really a better choice for me or my son, even if others might think differently than me.  By learning to go easy on myself and accepting that I am not who I once thought I was, is giving myself permission to feel, do, and act in new ways.   

Wayne was/is an authentic person.  He always meant what he said.  There was no manipulation in his words.  The Wayne that I knew, that his friends knew, that his family knew, that his coworkers knew, was all the real deal.  What you saw, was who he was.  Anyone can tell me a story or a memory about him, and there never is anything surprising, just reaffirmation of the true him.  He was willing and open to look at and admit his own struggles; to work on himself in order to be the man that God wanted him to be.  I could always trust Wayne, and I find it hard to find anyone that gives me that feeling completely again.  This is not meant to offend anyone.  Our relationship was built over many years, and he saw all of me - the good and the bad.  However, I know that God does too - He sees it all, whether I hide it or show it.  And, He still loves me.  That is a relationship that I must trust.  

So, as I find my way in this new world, I am starting to open up my trust boundaries, and I am finding people that make me feel safe once again.  They help me navigate the light, as well as letting me share my fears, grief, and dark places too.  They let me be who I am in the moment.  No one will ever make me feel like Wayne did - but I am finding pieces of that in others.  And, these people are willing to let me be authentic, as they are in return with me.


My home is one of my safe places; a refuge.  There's the sense of vulnerability to open your home and let someone into it.   It is hard to let people into my home, where I feel safe and protected, with the memories of Wayne surrounding me.  I open the curtains to let the light in.  And, sometimes, I open the door too.  I cherish the fact that God has prepared a place for all of us to be in his home with him someday; the ultimate safe place.

I am experiencing and noticing the light, like the tunnel under Chesapeake Bay leading into the light, night lights to help me find my way through the house, or a flashlight in the dark.  Whether it is the light of a candle, sun through the window, or sun at the cemetery, the beach, or during a storm, God is with me.  And, so is Wayne.  I am finding light that pervades the darkness of grief that surrounds my mind, and I find that I can take a deep breaths again.

I suggest that you take a moment, pause, and notice the light around you too.  Our cat notices the light.  She basks in it as it shines through the window.  Shouldn't we do the same?  Even amongst darkness it can be found.  Jesus is the purest form of authentic light.

Here, in my new blog, titled "Authentic Light" - I hope to be real, to continue to honor and remember Wayne, and to follow the light of Jesus, knowing that there is light in the darkness.  Even though I am authentically imperfect, God loves me.  I want to be real, search for and know the truth, while facing challenges as they continue to come.

It is my hope that even though I feel the difficulty and darkness of this time, that I can some day look back and see the light and purpose in it.

  

Reflection verses:

Put your trust in the light while there is still time; then you will become children of the light.”... (John 12:36a  NLT)

For the Lord is good.  His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation.  (Psalm 100:5 NLT)

The one who is the true light, who gives light to everyone, was coming into the world.  (John 1:9  NLT)

[ Jesus, the Light of the World ] Jesus spoke to the people once more and said, “I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life.” (John 8:12 NLT)

And God saw that the light was good. Then he separated the light from the darkness.  (Genesis 1:4 NLT)

Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.  (John 14:6 NLT)

There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? (John 14:2 NLT)