As you may have read in my previous writings, my husband was a lover of music. Not only was it his job, but it was a hobby and passion. Music is how I met Wayne (in conducting class to be exact), with me on the trombone and him on the Euphonium - instruments placed next to each other in the band.
I have found music to be both a (limited) source of comfort, as well as a tremendous source of pain. Church music can be difficult for me because sometimes, it sounds like Wayne's voice is in there. Music on the radio seems to be safe, until the words provoke some memory, or connection to the deeper meaning of these words. It can be hard to hear others sing "Happy Birthday" because Wayne's voice and pitch helped us carry it through.
Parades are rough. I tried to watch one last year, in July, about 3 months after Wayne had died. I remember seeing people I knew, and feeling numb. I couldn't participate in the excitement of candy as it was thrown to children, or people getting uncomfortably close as they passed me by or tried to hand me a flyer. The marching bands as they passed were the most painful - thinking of Wayne's marching feet, or the sound of him on Tuba, or him walking along the side coaching students. I had to stare at the ground away from the show, hoping the parade didn't pause with them stopped in front of me.
Many have encouraged me in saying that work will keep me busy, give me renewed purpose, and so on. While yes, there is truth in that, it is also a source of pain. Especially when there is a music assembly. I am constantly facing grief and change in my home and at my work. There is a fragility within me, where I am in places and around people that Wayne was connected to, and the grief ebbs and flows just under the surface. When there is a music assembly, I see that he is NOT there, yet I can envision what he would be doing if he were. And, then the grief attacks with a vengeance.
I read an article about how music affects the pleasure center of your brain, but for me it often does not. Gratefully and thankfully, I have supports in place, if I need to step away - if the wave of grief pushes over me, pushing me under. I have learned that it is better for me to have support rather than to try to force myself through music. I have also learned that it is okay if I am just not ready yet.
I know how it important music was to Wayne. There are even yearly events and awards to support music as a memorial in Wayne's name. This is a way that I can continue to support music, even if I cannot always bear to hear it.
I do wish that music did not create such pain for me. I want to be able to find joy in it like he did, and I know that he would want me to. It was and is a large part of our relationship. Our house is so much quieter because the music is not here like it was. The car is much quieter too - the radio often turned off. I play soft classical music at work, and that seems to be tolerable and helpful in creating a peaceful room. I see that as progress. Perhaps one genre at a time.
My son was generously given a guitar to play on. And, as he strums, I can smile. I see the same joy that Wayne had with music within our child. He often sings too, making up words, and humming to himself. Even if tears come to my eyes, I will bear it. To me, it is Wayne's influence on our son, that keeps the music alive in his heart, and though the music does not come from me, it settles into my heart as well. I see that as progress too.
Reflection Verses:
David told the leaders of the Levites to appoint their fellow Levites as musicians to make a joyful sound with musical instruments: lyres, harps and cymbals. (1 Chronicles 15:16 NLT)
The trumpeters and musicians joined in unison to give praise and thanks to the Lord. Accompanied by trumpets, cymbals and other instruments, the singers raised their voices in praise to the Lord and sang: “He is good; his love endures forever.” Then the temple of the Lord was filled with the cloud ... (2 Chronicles 5:13 NLT)
[ A psalm. A song. For the Sabbath day. ] It is good to praise the Lord and make music to your name, O Most High (Psalm 92:1 NLT)
The trumpeters and musicians joined in unison to give praise and thanks to the Lord. Accompanied by trumpets, cymbals and other instruments, the singers raised their voices in praise to the Lord and sang: “He is good; his love endures forever.” Then the temple of the Lord was filled with the cloud ... (2 Chronicles 5:13 NLT)
[ A psalm. A song. For the Sabbath day. ] It is good to praise the Lord and make music to your name, O Most High (Psalm 92:1 NLT)
