18 Day Fever
March was a rough month,
yet again. I grieved and remembered heavily over my husband's death.
In addition I had fallen on black ice, doing more harm than originally
realized. I was off of work for a few weeks, and on the day I returned, I
was sick. My back still was tired and sore, my heart heavy, and now I was coughing and
sneezing, with a sore throat. My son was currently on antibiotics for his
own throat, and I wondered if I was headed for the same. I had a mild
fever, around 100 degrees, that would fluctuate making me feel dizzy, hot, and
then cold.
As the work week continued
on, my voice was lost, and my throat continued to hurt. I went off to the
doctor, with the results being only a virus. And, the fever continued.
Even though low, it and the congestion I was experiencing, would wake me
in the night - feeling too warm and unable to breathe properly through my nose.
I felt awful, yet what choice did I have, but to press on?
I was becoming upset and
overwhelmed because I just could not rest. I felt the weight of how hard
it is to be a "single" mom. My son is not yet old or tall
enough to be completely independent so that I can rest. And, my work is
such that it requires me to be focused and energetic all of the time. I
was struggling, especially by the time I came home each day. I had offers
of help, but I couldn't even muster the energy to have someone in my home or to
have conversation, and what I really needed most was rest. Rest was
nothing anyone could offer me anyways because sleep was evasive.
So, I continued to work,
and press on, doing the best that I can. I have to provide for my son and
myself. So, I coughed in my elbow, my skin cracking from hand sanitizer
overuse, and drank water when I could. I sat down when the opportunities
allowed, and then when I came home, it was dinner, budget/mail, laundry/dishes,
and getting my son to bed. Then I would lay down exhausted but unable to
sleep. Then this repeated for what seemed to be a daunting numerous
amount of days.
I went to the doctor again,
because the fever was still going strong after 9 days. Lungs were clear
and it was still an upper respiratory virus; not treatable with antibiotics.
I could only treat the symptoms with pain reliever and a decongestant.
My doctor prescribed a few days of rest; off of work. However, rest
could not begin because I had to prepare materials for the person working in my
place... details, times, and notes that took me more than a few hours to write.
However, this is the nature of my job, and it is important for me to make
sure the information is there.
So, after a couple of days
off, I went back to work again, with that fever, but I noticed that I seemed to
be feeling better despite it. I think that I was getting used to it, and
was able to function better. I related it to sin. When you keep
experiencing it, and start to dwell in it, you almost don't know it is still
there, and it becomes acceptable in one's way of living. To me that means
it is time for change, and refocus must take place to get back to where you need
to be.
At my work place we got
back to basics as if we were learning a new job and rules, bringing back the
consistency, and for me I had to go back to the basics too. I had to
evaluate myself up to God's standards and not what I thought I needed to do and
be all of the time. I had to give myself permission to just be; to let
the laundry and dishes sit on the sidelines for example, because other things
were far more important. I had gotten so caught up in just pushing
myself, beyond exhaustion to move through the day, that perhaps it was a fever
that needed to take place, in order to make me realize that I needed to pause
and adjust.
Grief alters you, and so
does sickness. The impact of it is seen in research, but I don't need the
research to tell you that I feel it, every day. If you were to walk in
the cemetery, you might notice the small difference in the end dates of wife
and husband on many tombstones. While not true for all, many are only a
few years apart. Grief lowers your immunity. My 18 day fever supports that thought. And, while many of
them are much older than I am at their times of death, these spouses must have
felt the enormity of their losses too. I most certainly know the
heartbreak that comes, and the sickness that can come too. The grief
makes you susceptible to so much - the stress and upheaval of life as you know
it, the change in finances, caregiving, taking care of a home, and so on, falls
onto the shoulders of one instead of two. And it is sudden. While I
do not know or have control over what each day brings, I must take care of
myself and my son.
This time last year, it was
only a month after Wayne had died, and looking back on it, I realize I was in
an adrenaline shock, working on my yard doing physical activities that I never
did before, nor would have had the strength for, pushing myself to the point of
exhaustion. I went to the cemetery nearly every day.
This year, I've lived all
of these days before - these days without Wayne, but now I have to do them all
over again, and it can seem daunting at times. Part of me expected to
feel different after a year, perhaps feeling more at peace or not as sad, but I
don't. However, perhaps I am handling the daily life and flow better,
while inside, the grief remains, and I am learning to live with that too.
As I learned to function
better with my fever, I too am learning to function with my grief, living my
life. Hopefully, this is a life that is living up to the expectations
that God has for me, and not my own earthly ones; focusing on what is truly
important.
Reflection Verses:
The human spirit can endure
in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear? (Proverbs 18:14
NIV)
But he said to me, “My
grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in
weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,
so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV)
