18 Day Fever

18 Day Fever

March was a rough month, yet again.  I grieved and remembered heavily over my husband's death.  In addition I had fallen on black ice, doing more harm than originally realized.  I was off of work for a few weeks, and on the day I returned, I was sick.  My back still was tired and sore, my heart heavy, and now I was coughing and sneezing, with a sore throat.  My son was currently on antibiotics for his own throat, and I wondered if I was headed for the same.  I had a mild fever, around 100 degrees, that would fluctuate making me feel dizzy, hot, and then cold.

As the work week continued on, my voice was lost, and my throat continued to hurt.  I went off to the doctor, with the results being only a virus.  And, the fever continued.  Even though low, it and the congestion I was experiencing, would wake me in the night - feeling too warm and unable to breathe properly through my nose.  I felt awful, yet what choice did I have, but to press on?

I was becoming upset and overwhelmed because I just could not rest.  I felt the weight of how hard it is to be a "single" mom.  My son is not yet old or tall enough to be completely independent so that I can rest.  And, my work is such that it requires me to be focused and energetic all of the time.  I was struggling, especially by the time I came home each day.  I had offers of help, but I couldn't even muster the energy to have someone in my home or to have conversation, and what I really needed most was rest.  Rest was nothing anyone could offer me anyways because sleep was evasive.

So, I continued to work, and press on, doing the best that I can.  I have to provide for my son and myself.  So, I coughed in my elbow, my skin cracking from hand sanitizer overuse, and drank water when I could.  I sat down when the opportunities allowed, and then when I came home, it was dinner, budget/mail, laundry/dishes, and getting my son to bed.  Then I would lay down exhausted but unable to sleep.  Then this repeated for what seemed to be a daunting numerous amount of days.

I went to the doctor again, because the fever was still going strong after 9 days.  Lungs were clear and it was still an upper respiratory virus; not treatable with antibiotics.  I could only treat the symptoms with pain reliever and a decongestant.  My doctor prescribed a few days of rest; off of work.  However, rest could not begin because I had to prepare materials for the person working in my place... details, times, and notes that took me more than a few hours to write.  However, this is the nature of my job, and it is important for me to make sure the information is there.

So, after a couple of days off, I went back to work again, with that fever, but I noticed that I seemed to be feeling better despite it.  I think that I was getting used to it, and was able to function better.  I related it to sin.  When you keep experiencing it, and start to dwell in it, you almost don't know it is still there, and it becomes acceptable in one's way of living.  To me that means it is time for change, and refocus must take place to get back to where you need to be.

At my work place we got back to basics as if we were learning a new job and rules, bringing back the consistency, and for me I had to go back to the basics too.  I had to evaluate myself up to God's standards and not what I thought I needed to do and be all of the time.  I had to give myself permission to just be; to let the laundry and dishes sit on the sidelines for example, because other things were far more important.  I had gotten so caught up in just pushing myself, beyond exhaustion to move through the day, that perhaps it was a fever that needed to take place, in order to make me realize that I needed to pause and adjust.

Grief alters you, and so does sickness.  The impact of it is seen in research, but I don't need the research to tell you that I feel it, every day.  If you were to walk in the cemetery, you might notice the small difference in the end dates of wife and husband on many tombstones.  While not true for all, many are only a few years apart.  Grief lowers your immunity.  My 18 day fever supports that thought.  And, while many of them are much older than I am at their times of death, these spouses must have felt the enormity of their losses too.   I most certainly know the heartbreak that comes, and the sickness that can come too.  The grief makes you susceptible to so much - the stress and upheaval of life as you know it, the change in finances, caregiving, taking care of a home, and so on, falls onto the shoulders of one instead of two.  And it is sudden.  While I do not know or have control over what each day brings, I must take care of myself and my son.

This time last year, it was only a month after Wayne had died, and looking back on it, I realize I was in an adrenaline shock, working on my yard doing physical activities that I never did before, nor would have had the strength for, pushing myself to the point of exhaustion.   I went to the cemetery nearly every day. 

This year, I've lived all of these days before - these days without Wayne, but now I have to do them all over again, and it can seem daunting at times.  Part of me expected to feel different after a year, perhaps feeling more at peace or not as sad, but I don't.  However, perhaps I am handling the daily life and flow better, while inside, the grief remains, and I am learning to live with that too.

As I learned to function better with my fever, I too am learning to function with my grief, living my life.  Hopefully, this is a life that is living up to the expectations that God has for me, and not my own earthly ones; focusing on what is truly important.

Reflection Verses:

The human spirit can endure in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?  (Proverbs 18:14  NIV)

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  (2 Corinthians 12:9  NIV)